A note to my younger self

You’ve hidden from others. But even worse, you've hidden from yourself - work, exercise, alcohol, drugs, and sex being among your favorite numbing agents. Always escaping the pain. Escaping the truth. Can you just sit still for a damned second and be with the pain already? Because this running away is no longer working for you…is it?

This always skimming the surface. This running to the next moment of relief or toward some semblance of safety, security, and approval. When on the inside you’re dying from not letting in enough light. This pursuit of outer beauty, both in yourself and in the partners you’ve picked. It’s so fucking shallow.

Vanity, superficiality and self-deception are traps of your own making. And yet, many times, you aren't even AWARE you're falling in. You pursue depth yes but, oftentimes, you are barking up the wrong tree, kiddo. And then you feel shame for being rejected. Think next time and ask yourself, is this really the right audience to be vulnerable with? Are they being vulnerable with you?

You fear the wrong things. You've spent so much time with people who are hiding under their own heavy armor. People who are not nourishing your soul. People who don’t think about their souls because that's all 'nonsense'. People who are running, just like you.

Of course that isn’t the whole story. You pick quality over quantity in your connections. You have glimpses of authenticity in others and in yourself that make you want to cry tears of joy and gratitude. You make connections. You are loved. But you need to love yourself a whole lot more. From now on, when you ask yourself what really matters, you better be getting a whole lot more real with yourself.

Don't play small. Don't self abandon. See yourself without the masks, then let yourself be seen, no matter how terrifying. That love, compassion and kindness you begin to shower on yourself will radiate outward toward others and will come back to you tenfold. Then, one day, you will walk into the life you've always wanted: one of connection, peace, creativity, authenticity, and soul-fullness.